Mexico

At the beginning of the month Johnny and I went to Mexico for the Property Solutions annual sales rewards trip (plus the executive team, plus the programming team).  

Because of a condition I usually develop at the end of my pregnancies, we weren't sure up until my blood test results came back two days before the trip if I'd be able to go.  

This was an interesting trip for me.  I'll show you all the amazing photos, paint a perfect vacation picture, make you jealous, then explain the real vacation. 

Monday was spent traveling all day to get to our resort in Playa Del Carmen. 

Tuesday, Johnny and I hopped on a ferry to Cozumel, then rented a moped to take us around the island.  We stopped at different beaches throughout the day, finally stopping at one with no one else in sight.  Johnny made me a chair out of sand to lay in while he attempted body surfing. 

 Wednesday I tagged along with Johnny and 21 other guys who went scuba diving.  I hung out on the boat with some friendly Mexicans who didn't speak english, but pretended to understand my attempt at small talk, and read a book while the group did two different dives. 

 Thursday we went to some Mayan ruins called Coba that we could climb.  The ruins were spread out over a huuuuge area. Luckily they provided bikes and carts (for pregnant ladies like me) to get from site to site.  

Friday we went with a group to swim with dolphins.  I wasn't allowed to take pictures (so they could charge a fortune for the ones taken by the place), so this is the only one I have.  This was probably my favorite part of the whole trip!  I wasn't able to swim with the dolphins because of the baby in my belly, but it was so fun watching the rest of the group get to do all the tricks.  I did get to pet and kiss them, rub their belly's, and do a few different things!  

We spent the evening at the beach and headed home on Saturday.  It was so nice putting a name to a face of the people Johnny works with, and getting to know all the awesome wives!

So what made this vacation difficult?  Looking back through the photos, it was a great trip filled with a lot of activities.  I was grateful for the opportunity Johnny and I had to get away before a 5th baby comes, at the expense of the company.  What I didn't anticipate was how exhausting - physically and emotionally - the trip would be for me.  

You know what sucks?  Body image. I was in a swim suit all week and couldn't help but compare myself to every skinny, pretty woman I saw.  Every fit girl in a tiny bikini I came across, I envied.  Why did I pick having five kids instead of traveling and looking awesome in a swim suit?!  Such a destructive thought process that I found myself in during this trip, and it took quite some time to get out of it.  I was mad at women for making me feel like I'd never be good enough, I was mad at men for wanting me to look like these other women.  I was mad at the sacrifice I'm asked to make to be a mom, which means constant weight gain, weight loss, weight gain, weight loss - all while my skin is stretching, my hips are spreading, and my boobs are sagging.  And I'm still in my 20's!  

It was a week of feeling sorry for myself and insufficient. 

So, if this blog is supposed to be a journal for my family, why am I documenting these emotions, rather than just putting the trip on here like it was a picture perfect getaway for mommy and daddy?  Because this is moms reality, kids.  This is the thought process behind moms bad days.  I may be doing well in some areas, but in my mind, I'm never enough.

Fortunately for me, I have a very loving, patient husband who listens to my rants and complaints and is as understanding as a husband/man can be.  I have wonderfully understanding and supportive female family members and friends who build up my self image instead of tugging at my insecurities with pity and one-upping.  It's odd how comforting it is to hear someone say "Yeah, this is hard, why do we do this?" instead of "Yeeaaah...that really sucks for you."

Why do I do this? That question gives me the opportunity to remind myself why I chose this life, because I DID choose this.  And today, I'm really glad I did.  

Time to go figure out what was dropped in the toilet, and why someone is screaming.